I was born in 1975, Chinese year of the rabbit, Aberdeen year of the carpet. My father was Lord Mayor of Troon, my mother was Chief Flask Scientist for Thermos. One of five children, with 2 elder brothers, Simon and Thomas, and 2 younger sisters, Dave and Chris, I was chosen at an early age to be schooled by the League of Doom. Thanks to the League of Doom's regimented education system, I graduated in 1989, aged 14, with a doctorate in rubber stamp manufacturing. Using money bequeathed to me by an elderly llama, I was able to start up my own stamp manufacturing company, named Debenhams. By 1996, Debenhams was the highest grossing stamp manufacturing company in the world, raking in $14 billion a second. This lead to a hostile takeover by Universal Pictures, who renamed the company Greggs and turned it into a bakery instead. Penniless and homeless, and without the opportunity to put my doctorate to use due to an injunction by WH Smith, who claimed I sent them a consignment of 2,000,000 date stamps with the months written in eskimo, I had to find gainful employment elsewhere. So since 1997, I've worked in a shop. I now live in a mansion on top of Mount Etna. Ok, so this biography is only partly true, but I'm not telling you which parts.