In my book/books I give insights into my life. I am suffering from severe depression (more than 10 years by now). I explain how difficult it can be for me to find a good way. The title ACTUALLY I gave because it is often like this to me, that I ACTUALLY would behave differently, that I ACTUALLY would feel differently or that I ACTUALLY would think differently, if I was not suffering from depression, which keeps getting in my way. I write about losing jobs, about the fight to get some understanding for the illness, about the way how to handle strainfull situations and about the suffering. I explain how stressed out I was due to a false expertise report, how disappointed in work colleagues, how hopeless I sometimes feel and how hard it is to live with a depression. But I always find the strength again to keep on going and to keep on hoping. I do not give up. I am writing about parts of my life. All stories are true and everything really happened as written. True stories, true life events, true life courses, true experiences. Real feelings, real thoughts, real problems, real challenges, real moments, real people. A REAL illness.