When Santa's elves decide to go on strike three days before Christmas, Jolly Ole St. Nick gets hella pissed and threatens to 'bust some caps up some midget's asses' if they don't get back to work. Unfortunately Santa never gets a chance to make good on his threat because the North Pole is suddenly invaded by members of Al-Qaida. Al-Qaida, of course, is hella pissed that their messiah Osama bin Laden was shot in the fucking head by Navy Seals. So they figure they can get some retribution by kidnapping the world's most beloved Christian and beheading him on the holiest day of the year. Before they do that, though, they intend to use Santa as collateral to negotiate the release of hundreds of their brethren still holed up in Guantanamo Bay. Thankfully for Santa, President Obama doesn't intend to let Fox News label him as the man who allowed Santa to get murdered by Islamic terrorists. He quickly dispatches Santa's good pals Bigfoot, the Easter Bunny, and the crack-addicted Tooth Fairy to Afghanistan with select members of the Navy Seals to rescue 'Father Christmas' before his head ends up on a pike. Of course, things don't turn out as well as Bigfoot and the gang had planned, and they also end up getting kidnapped. It will take a Christmas miracle of truly biblical proportions in order for Santa and Bigfoot to get out of this mess. (Or they can just hope Hillary Clinton saves their asses like last time. Whatever happens first.)