I can move only with the aid of barrels of anti-inflammatory gel, sticking plasters and real ale anaesthetic. Martin and I descend from hours of walking to the small town of Middleton-in-Teesdale. I walk, stiff legged, into the campsite office and a plump, middle-aged woman looks up from her desk and can see the old timer is in trouble.
"Oh, what a shame you weren't here last week," she says, pity radiating from behind her horn-rimmed specs. "You've missed him."
I look at her, puzzled.
"Elvis " she explains. "You missed Elvis."
Oh God, now I'm hallucinating...
In Bothy Tales, the follow-up to The Last Hillwalker from bestselling mountain writer John D. Burns, travel with the author to secret places hidden amongst the British hills and share his passion for the wonderful wilderness of our uplands.
From remote glens deep in the Scottish Highlands, Burns brings a new volume of tales - some dramatic, some moving, some hilarious - from the isolated mountain shelters called bothies. Meet the vivid cast of characters who play their games there, from climbers with more confidence than sense to a young man who doesn't have the slightest idea what he's letting himself in for...