As a one-armed dwarf who fainted from light-headedness whenever sexy thoughts caused blood to flow into his oversized member, David Ignatius Montgomery Parker didn't have much going for him. But what he did possess however was a remarkable propensity to affect those he came into contact with in a way that was, in some cases, life changing - and in others, life terminating Zelda, an ageing more or less ex-prostitute; Father James, a catholic priest with a crisis of faith; wanabee doctor, Arnold Smith; Charlie Mason, a greasy, greedy night club owner with a regular toilet habit; local gangster, Eddie Carter; TV chat show hosts Dick and Trudy; hulking man-child, daft Ernie and two mature ladies of the night all come under the influence of the little Manchester United fan who's dream in life was to become the world's first five foot tall one-armed professional goalie (he seriously over-estimated his final height). AND IT WASN'T JUST THE HUMANS If only they could talk, Benji, the ratty Maltese terrier, Fred, the constipated python and Phoebe, the drugged up leopard would certainly have something to moan about