I used to be a professional footballer in the 70's and the 80's, not great, but not bad either. The Geordies would call me a ' canny' player. You may have heard of me, not because of my footballing prowess, but because of my 'name'. 'Fuckin Hell, it's Paul Cannell' the phrase first coined by Brummie comic genius Jasper Carrott has followed me for the thirty odd years since I left Newcastle United. I did receive some respite from it during the four years I played in the North American Soccer League with teams such as the Washington Diplomats, the Memphis Rogues, the Calgary Boomers, and the Detroit Express, however on my return to the Toon, it started all over again; not on the terraces but in the bars, taxis, buses... even in the fuckin' butchers This book is a collection of controversial stories featuring some of the world's 'greats' such as Johann Cruyff, Malcolm Macdonald and Pele; some of the famous such as Howard Stern, President's daughter Susan Ford, Jerry Lee Lewis, Jasper Carrott and even fuckin' Sting and others such as me mates, Jimmy Steele and Bob Stetler, me drug dealer Joe and the infamous 'Memphis cookie man'. Oh, and I nearly forgot, there are some fuckin' twats in it as well... like Jimmy Hill the ex Coventry chairman and disgraced owner of the Detroit Express and the Washington Diplomats. It's a little bit chronological in that I've split it into three sections; my time in England, my time in the States and my time after football. The stories are about things that happened during my time in the game. Some are hilarious, some are surprising, some are shocking and some are disgusting. Some however, are hilariously, surprisingly, shockingly fuckin' disgusting... The stories you don't normally read about