What do clouds wear when it's raining? Thunderwear. What time is it when 12 people go skiing? Winter. What do you call a one day old dog? A puppy. When did George Washington die? Four days before they buried him. A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a BLT. He enjoys his sandwich, but when the waiter brings the bill he pulls out a gun and kills him. Then he walks out without paying. The manager chases and catches him and asks, "Who do you think you are? You kill my waiter and then leave without paying?" "I'm a panda bear." "So?" The panda hands the manager a dictionary, "Look up panda." "Lemme see, lemme see. Here we go: Panda. Eats shoots and leaves." Why are fish so thin? Because they eat fish. What do Kermit the Frog and Smokey the Bear have in common? The same middle name What medical condition actually helps you run faster? Athletes foot. What's the quickest way to get a sick pig to the hospital? In a ham-bulance. Why isn't Dracula welcome at the bloodmobile? Because he always wants to make a withdrawal. What is the laziest part of any car? The wheels; they are always tired. What did one car muffler say to the other muffler? "Boy, am I exhausted." What did the jack say to the car? "May I give you a lift?" What has cities with no houses, rivers with no water, and forests with no trees? A roadmap. "Hey waiter," said the customer, "do you serve crabs here?" "Of course we do. Sit right down." Why did the cucumber need a lawyer? He was in a pickle. Why do ministers like Swiss cheese? Because it's so holy. Who's the only person more flexible than a ballerina who can lift her leg over her head? A sailor who can sit on his own chest. Why did the blueberry need a lawyer? It was in a jam. If you eat half of a cookie what do you have? An angry bake shop owner. What sandwich lies the most? Baloney. What do you call rollerbladers who chat on the computer? Online skaters. Why did the thief steal the deck of cards? He heard there were 13 diamonds in it. Why couldn't the sailors play cards? Because the Captain was standing on the deck. Why'd the crook hold up the river? It had two banks. What lives in the ocean, has eight legs and robs banks? Billy the Squid. How can you start a fire with just one stick? Make sure it's a match. A man hadn't slept for seven days but wasn't even tired. Why? He slept at night. Where does a shoe go during the summer? Boot camp. What do you call someone with size 12 feet, dark sunglasses, and curly hair who takes a plane from Chicago to Los Angeles? A passenger. Where do pilots keep their personal belongings? In air pockets. Which people travel the fastest? Russians. Which people travel the most? Romans. What do you call an egg that travels to unknown places? An eggs-plorer. How do hairdressers travel? By hairplane. How does a pizza travel? By pie-cycle. How does a tugboat show affection? It hugs the shore. What did the explorers say after being in the jungle for one week? "Safari so good." What musical instrument is best for catching fish? Castanets. How did the new kid at school realize that the food in the cafeteria was horrible before he even took a bite? The teacher told him to always be sure and pray before he ate. "Hello, I need to speak to the principal." "This is the principal speaking." I'm calling to tell you that John Roberts cannot come to school today because he has a very bad case of mumps." "Who is this?" "This is my father." How are a rude person and a school that is closed for the summer similar? Both have no class. Why'd the soccer players get such good grades in school? They know how to use their heads. When should you bring your dad to school? Whenever you have a pop quiz. Many, many more kidz jokes inside....