What is the universal bathroom sex distress signal? How can you assess the intentions of a cougar that wants to hold your baby? What is the procedure for immolating pesky methamphetamine users? What exactly is Mrs. Right-A-Way's Tincture of Opium Cure-All, and what is it good for? Nowhere else on Earth, dear reader, are you as sure to find practical (mis)information mixed with sensual delights in such prodigious quantities. With advice on everything from snowboarding and cabin safety to the appropriate apprehension of fishes, Dr. Browntrout will taint-er, educate-the reader through the use of fake advertisements, poetry, haiku, essay, panda drawings and anti-affirmations. Dr. Browntrout will amaze and amuse with his sesquipedalian vocabulary and gutter sensibilities, and years of experience in the field of moral improvement. If you fail to laugh after reading this tome, then you are not alive.