If Only Someone Had Told Me is a blunt, sardonic, BFF survival guide to parenting in the early years. Written by two working mothers living in Palo Alto and keeping it real, Chara Burnett and Helen Waters expose the unexpectedly turbulent realities of raising young children in a metro area. Hair-raisingly hilarious, the authors lay bare the 'shocking and unmentionable' - from family finances to preschool interviews, head lice to food allergies - while offering perspective, tips and practical advice. This book is meant to prepare and validate new parents, and reassure them that they are not alone. TABLE OF CONTENTS 1. Your Vision of Parenting -- #onebighallucination 2. 10 Shock-And-Disbeliefs 3. Your Marriage: Par-TAY is Ovah 4. Where Did the Day Go? 5. The New Family Budget: You're Broke for Good 6. Preschool Is A Racket 7. Work/Life Balance - The Joke That Gets No Laughs 8. Your Child Does Not Equal A Very Short Adult 9. Nature (7) vs. Nurture (2) - Top of the 9th 10. That Thing You're Having ... Is Called A Midlife Crisis 11. Head Lice Aren't Nice. And They're Probably Crawling On Your Scalp Right Now. 12. Think You Don't Have Food Allergy Problems? Think Again. 13. The 11th Commandment: Thou Shall Not Call Any Kid "Mean" or "Bully" 14. Bringing It Home: Our Final Top Ten 15. Tips