In the arm of a particularly attractive spiral galaxy, there once was a speck of a solar system in which resided a planet of such exquisite beauty that anyone who caught the merest glimpse of it died of sheer joy. This story has nothing to do with that planet. Instead, this story takes place on a planet that looks more like a flying chunk of coal bereft of beauty of any kind. Officially, this planet has been designated 788682 Folkvangr Lamda Ratatoskr ZaoJun AC-141 III. Everyone just calls it Flurdge. After inadvertently angering a high ranking general, Pentinium, young wizard-in-training, is promoted to sergeant and granted command over a squad of misfits: Trent, A spy too fascinated with his own hair; Jay, a self-proclaimed expert in the transportational arts; Zeus, incredibly boring intel officer; Erin, a psychopathic elven sniper with a scrapbook; and Stappy, the resident dwarf and explosives expert with Deep Pocket Pants of Holding. Their suicidal mission: destroy the Global Goblin Army's nigh impregnable Fortress, Soombine. They'll have to overcome mine fields, orc patrols, corrupt officials, and their own ineptitude if they have a hope of succeeding. But, don't worry. The ever-optimistic Pentinium will lead them through it. Right? ...Right?"