SPORTY REFLECTIONS OF A COURT RECIDIVIST Jacque D'Artichoke, J.D. Salutations Earth levitators I'm a philosopher, an athlete, and admittedly, a goofball. The reader will enjoy my 80+ vignettes about broader life, sports, and other juvenile musings. While the essays are quite random, they showcase D'Artichoke's unbridled zest for life's sublime eccentricities. The essays often boast a philosophical bent. Included are American freedoms that should remain inalienable, the probability of extra-terrestrial life, the significance of international boundaries and how to diffuse bloodshed with PEZ dispensers, the absurd concept of American nobility, sentient elephants, bugs, and tulips, the feasibility of a soulmate, the fine but significant line between criminals and the rest of us, and further ponderings. This compendium of essays infiltrates the athlete's unique heart and unearths his or her bombastic rationale for planet nestling. Sporty reflections portray the athlete whose changing tennis ranking is apparently tatooed to his forehead, a tennis player's instant hotel, my hap-hazard return to competition tennis 20 years after college, quirky exchanges with the pros at Wimbledon, when my playing shorts fell off and I let them idle, the rare sighting of impenetrable tennis snobs, butt-sliding down the bunny slope, and more far-flung action. Personal anecdotes illuminate my bar-none, favorite winner of the Burger Wars, my best friend priest, Grandma's iron quads, a prankster college accomplice, the revenge of an alluring cow, a disenchanted housemate's assault and battery upon Yours Truly, my world class grammar school's brat pack, and much more zaniness. Oh, and did I mention the relentless masseuse? Please browse www.jartichoke.com "Cherry Pie Part One Without a hunger pang to speak of, I sneaked into the kitchen late last night. I spied one last, extra large slice of a Whole Foods cherry pie. I was furious with the pie because not only was it not an apple pie; it was unhealthy. Yet, the Pie Devil was beckoning me. Bad pie Go back to the bakery and immediately turn stale Most guys like pies more than gals do. I understand that gals tend to prefer cake. I was ticked that this pie hypnotically suggested, "Devour Me " I didn't want it, but I had to have it. Like a junkie, I needed to scarf it down before I became entirely aware that the sugar wasn't a proper fit for my unit. I had to plunder the "goodie" before my reason had time to deny me access. Then, I could experience hyperactive "loosing" and realize that I had disproportionately tipped the crap-to- nutrients equilibrium in my system. In fact, I was becoming more enlightened by the second that I should make it a high priority not to eat this pie slab. I had to act fast or risk doing the appropriate thing-- abandoning the bastard to microbes that gleefully over-populate cherry stuffing. So, before my intuition got the best of me and staved off failure, I grabbed that cherry pie by its love handles and gutted the meat out with my bare hands. I clawed that precision crafted triangle in half with my now bloody talons. This was Man v. Food, and Man lost this epic challenge without a shadow of a doubt. Despite appearing to have won... Cherry Pie Part Two Surfer dude Jeff angrily reprimanded me for being immature. He mentioned that it was rude of me to use my fingers to violently disrupt the pie's aesthetics, especially in front of fellow pie eaters. Jeff said it was one thing if I wanted to enjoy the pie like an adult, with a plate and utensils that were designed to compactly insert the morsels in my mouth with minimum handiwork and crumb 'droppage.' It seemed okay to Jeff if I shoveled the personality down the hatch while retarding the 'conspicuousness of the ingestive scene.' On the contrary, I think that the pie was the one who was being immature for...""