Contents CHAPTER ONE: THE CONTEMPORARY SCENE, p3 1. The Battle of the Sexes, p3 Everyone should have two mates in life', p5 2. Final indignity of Dona Josefa Marcos, p7 3. Presidents should drown their relatives, p9 Theory of Relativity & Relatives, p11 4. Full moon and empty arms, p12 5. Credit cards make the world go around, p15 American Express credit card is useless, p17 Amex traveler's checks and charge cards, p19 6. Dragon Lady, pirate of the high seats, 22 7. Rotarian forged passports, hired whores, p24 8. We are screwed and ruled by Mr. Escumbro, p26 9. We are heirs to Frankenstein's Monsters, p28 10. How a dead man keeps a law firm upright, p30 Buaya, tuta, duwag constitute fair comment, p32 Libeling public figures and officials, p34 11. Christmas is the festival of surprise, p36 The Mystery of the Christmas Coffin, p37 We are children of the stars, p39 CHAPTER TWO FAMILY AND FRIENDS, p42 12. Gado: Do not stand at my grave and weep, p42 13. Cats own us, make our home their own, p44 14. Please God, give us one more Valentine , p46 15. Assumption: The last refuge of the 12th century, p48 The closest thing to heaven on earth, p50 CHAPTER THREE: THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT, p52 16. Boobless babes and fags with falsies, p52 Transfiguration of worm to butterfly, p54 17. Avalon: the shining moment of self-discovery, p56 18. Day of the Jackal and the Jackass, p58 19. We plant the seeds, the rest is destiny, p60 20. Toupee or not toupee, that's the question, p62 21. Pianist John Em Cruz's music of the spheres, p64 22. Song of Streets, Ballad of Barricades, p67 Songs changed this nation beyond recall, p69 Touching the least of our brethren, p71 23. Ode to slide-rule; calculator riddles, p73 CHAPTER FOUR: PHILIPPINES AND THE WORLD, p75 24. Dear Ambassador Nicolas Platt ... Hoy, Kulas , p75 Duck, dog, snake, beaver, it's Platypus , p78 The Great Wall of Emperor Kulas Platypus, p80 25. Welcome, Dan Quayle, O Prince of Fools , p82 26. Patriotic act of hanging Tony Cuenco, p84 27. Lorna: Posterity will stand in judgment of us, p86 Christ lost to Barabbas in referendum, p88 28. The US and the Philippines: In Our Image, p90 The three lessons of Tiananmen Square, p92 30. Swiss gnomes will never give up Marcos wealth, p93 31. History repeats itself and no one listens, p95 32. Sow the wind and reap the whirlwind, p97 33. The best and the worst of times, p99 34. Good luck Cory, swim with the sharks, p101 35. The end of every journey is to come home, p103"