Terrified. How I survived and recovered from an abusive childhood Some of the names have been removed to protect the guilty Preface I want to say here that I personally know many people who as children have suffered unbelievable physical abuse by their abusers'. My story is more about complete control over a child's mind by using physical, psychological, emotional, mental, sexual, and religious abuse. I spent most of my childhood in terror. When the abuse stopped, I took over and continually self destructed. It would take years to unlearn that defeatist attitude and become a happy person. The original title was "Screaming Quietly," but there is so much more a child will do to endure an abusive childhood. Part One Childhood I was in bed. I had been tossing and turning for hours. I was having trouble going to sleep, as usual. They turned off the lights and the TV to go to bed upstairs. They usually did this around 11:00 pm. She would put us in bed at 8:00 and I would toss and turn in bed for hours before I could go to sleep. The house felt dark and spooky. Everything was quiet. I heard them go upstairs. Suddenly fear gripped me. Anxiety hit. I was near panic. I don't like dark, quiet rooms. I felt alone. Then, I began to cry. I was afraid and needed reassurance. Nobody could hear me. I cried a little louder. She heard me. I heard those heavy footsteps coming back down the stairs. I became conflicted. Is she going to comfort me? The footsteps got closer and sounded angry. Oh my God, I have made a terrible mistake. I felt the anger coming towards me. If only I could take it back. I'm sorry, I'll be good. I'll be frightened more quietly. Please God, no My bedroom door opened. The monster was in my room heading for me. She hit me. She hit me again, and again and again. She kept on hitting me. My fear was replaced by anger. I wanted comfort and had been given pain instead. Once again I had made trouble for myself. When she left the room, out of my mouth I whispered these words: "I hate her, I want to kill her." My teeth were clenched, my anger was intense. It consumed me. I had been through this so many times before. I was six.