Donald J. Grump gives you dozens of tips on how to be a Big Deal, just like him - well, not JUST like him. Nobody but Grump himself can be that big a deal. A few nuggets from Grump: "My father had a lot of advisers. I don't have a lot of advisers. When I want to consult, I speak to myself because I have a good brain - a very good brain. I know a lot of things, and I give good advice." "There is no-one on the planet more modest than I am. Hey, I have to be. I've got so many accomplishments that if I went around blowing my own horn all the time I'd sound like a brass band. And I really hate brass bands." "I've got so many female critics. But they're all losers. Just look at that Arianna Huffington. What a dog. No wonder her husband left her for another man. And Fox's Megyn Kelly. What a bimbo. She's almost as dumb as that Rosie O'Donnell, though a lot hotter. Hell, let's face it. Mount Rushmore is hotter than Rosie." "When somebody challenges you, fight back. Be brutal. ... They bomb Pearl Harbor? You round up every Jap on the West Coast and lock them in camps. They kill Custer and his troops at the Little Big Horn? You chase them down, put them on reservations, and give them blankets laced with smallpox ... They mess up a repair on your Rolls? You buy the building where they have their garage and drive (heh, heh) them out of business." "I'll tell you, that guy Dickens never met a loser he didn't like. I mean it. Almost every Dickens hero is a jerk without a dime to his name. (Actually, I haven't read any of the books, but I've seen lots of the movies.) Frankly, Bob Cratchit ought to just suck it up." " It is important to clear] away the old to make way for the new. Kind of like when the Eskimos used to take their elderly parents and set them adrift into the ocean floating on a chunk of ice. I once had a dream that I'd done that with my Father. I remember waving as he drifted over the horizon. Funny the things you think of." Grump gives you the benefit of insights into all the ins and outs of getting and maintaining Big Deal status, and includes anecdotes about many of his Big Deal friends such as Mike Tyson, Wayne Newton, Anna Nicole Smith, and even the great Stephen Baldwin. Want to be a for-real Big Deal like these cultural giants? Count on Donald J. Grump to show you the way. CONTENTS Foreword But Enough About You ... Big Deals and Non-Big Deals: A Few Examples Women Take No Prisoners Know When to Walk Away Be a Mensch: An bermensch Believe In Your Potential (Even If You Don't Have Any) Stand Your Ground (Even When You Have No Ground to Stand On)