Within this festive tome you will find: The never before told history of Xmas and Jesus, How to cook the perfect Christmas roast using ocelot and locusts, A detailed survival guide, The explosive conspiracy surrounding crackers, How to build the perfect snow penis, An advent calendar featuring a man made of horses, Your very own Christmas Handbook Power Badge , Kickass cocktail recipes, And other hilarity not found in mainstream Christmas literature. This is the Christmas book your whore grandma didn't want you to read