A compilation of Jokes, One-liners and Poems guaranteed to be the funniest material ever stolen/borrowed from the internet. You will hear such jokes as: A day without sunshine is like, well, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. You can't have everything, where would you put it? Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. Pick up lines overheard from men to women: Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down. Man: So, wanna go back to my place ? Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock? Things you should not say to a cop: 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas) 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN... The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people." Think about this, Not That.... I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Slogan's ..............................WHAT? On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business." At a Proctologist's door "To expedite your visit please back in." On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." Some Men Jokes.... What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted. What is the thinnest book in the world? "What Men Know About Women" How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One ... men will screw anything. Just Sayin: The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content. I live in my own little world, but it's ok they know me here. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" "I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast." I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately "Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive." Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom. "If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?" Welcome To Shit Creek Sorry, We're Out of Paddles Rules of life so to speak: 1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas. 2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape . 3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right." Lawyer stuff: These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down & now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. and so much more...... This will be the funniest 90 minute read ever.