What's worse than having your doctor tell you have gonorrhea? Having your dentist tell you. The doctor said, "I want you to strip, walk to the open window, then wave your cock-and-balls around." "Do they need air?" "Not really. I just hate that asshole lawyer across the breezeway." Why do surgeons wear masks during operations? So if they fuck up no one can ID them. Why are lawyers buried 30 feet under the ground? Because down deep they're probably alright. "You need to eat a high fiber diet," the doctor told the heart patient, "quit smoking, and get some exercise." "What about sex?" "Just with your wife. We don't want you getting too excited." What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A vulture can't remove his wingtips. A man arrives at the emergency room; the doctor approaches him and says, "Your wife's been in a terrible car accident, she's a paraplegic and brain-dead. You'll have to spend the rest of your life caring for her." "But doc, I'm only 25 years old. She might live another 60 years; I can't spend the rest of my life taking care of an invalid." "You won't have to," says the doctor. "I was just fucking with you. She's dead." Two lawyers hire a stunning new secretary and a contest begins between them to bed her. They both end up sleeping with her the day of the Christmas party and meet afterwards for drinks and bragging rights. "So how do you rate her cocksucking?" asks the first partner. "My wife is better." "You're right." How do you save a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his head. A couple visit a sex therapist who asks the wife, "What do you think is the biggest problem with your sex life?" "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." "Is this true?" the therapist asks the husband. "I don't actually suffer," he replies. "She does." How does a lawyer say "Fuck you"? "Trust me." A lawyer said to his client on death row, "I've got good news and bad news." "What's the bad news?" "You're going to the electric chair tomorrow." "What's the good news?" "I got the voltage reduced." A doctor and his wife are out for a walk. A streetwalker says, "Good afternoon, Doctor Kiley." Before his wife can say anything, he says, "Don't worry. I know her professionally." She asks, "Your profession or hers?" Ben Affleck goes to the doctor and says, "You gotta help me, doctor. Every time I see myself in the mirror I get an erection." "That's because," says the doctor, "you're a pussy." Did you hear about the female lawyer who moonlighted as a hooker? She was a prostituting attorney. How do you sleep like an attorney? First you lie on one side and, then you lie on the other. What's brown and black and looks great on a lawyer? A Doberman. What's 15 inches long and dangles in front of an asshole? A lawyer's tie. A baby boy was born weighing ten pounds, but his testicles weighed five pounds. When the doctor told his mom he'd have to be placed in a mental institution she said, "Why?" The doctor said, "He's half nuts." What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality. The doctor says, "I have bad news and worse news." "What's the bad news?" "You have one month to live." "What's the worse news?" "It's February." What do you need when you have seven lawyers up to their necks in quicksand? More quicksand. A doctor phones his patient, "I have good news and bad news." "What's the good news?" "You have 72 hours to live." "What's the bad news?" "I forgot to call you yesterday." What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? The bucket. Why don't lawyers vacation at the beach? Cats bury them in the sand. Many many more doctor and lawyer jokes inside.