A young woman enters the confessional and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I made love to a complete stranger seven times." "Go home and squeeze the juice of seven lemons into a small glass and drink it down as quickly as you can." "Will that wash away my sins?" No, but it will take that smile off your face." Why don't Baptists fuck standing up? They're afraid it might lead to dancing. Three men arrive at the Pearly Gates at the same time and St. Peter says, "Religion?" "Methodist." "Door six, but be quiet as you pass door four." To the second man: "Religion?" "Jewish." "Door seven, but be quiet as you pass door four." To the third: "Religion?" "Hindu." "Door two, but be quiet as you pass door four." "Why do you tell everyone to be quiet passing door four?" "That's the Evangelical Christian door and they think they are the only ones up here." On the seventh day God sat back, admiring his creation. "I think it's perfect," he said to the angel Gabriel. "Not quite perfect, my Lord," said Gabriel. "How so?" "Shouldn't the humans have differing sets of genitalia just like the animals?" God pondered for a moment. Then he said, "You're absolutely right. I think I'll give the dumb one a cunt." What's the difference between a circumcision and a crucifixion? With a crucifixion they throw away the entire Jew. What's the best way to make God laugh? Tell her all your plans. During her prayers one night a teacher asked God why there was so much violence in American schools. A light shone into her bedroom and a voice boomed: "I don't know. I'm not allowed in American schools." Why did Mary Magdalene want to have sex with Jesus? She wanted to experience his Second Coming. Why do guys attend church Sunday mornings after sowing their wild oats on Saturday nights? To pray for crop failure. A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of chardonnay. "Here's a new joke," he says to the bartender, "two Jews are walking down the street-" "I'm Jewish," says the bartender, "and I'm tired of hearing Jewish jokes. Pick on some other religion." "Okay. Two Buddhists are walking down the street. One says to the other, 'So there we were, at my nephew's bar mitzvah...'" Sister Donna asked her fifth grade class, what they wanted to be when they grew up. Suzie said, "I'd like to be a doctor." Bobby said, and "I want to be a policeman." Leslie said, "I'm going to be a prostitute." The shocked nun said, "What did you say?" "I'm going to be a prostitute," said Leslie. "Well, thank God," said the nun. "I thought you said you're going to be a Protestant." How do Catholics make money on hot summer days? They freeze Holy Water and sell them as Pope-sickles. A man says to his Rabbi, "I think my wife is trying to serve me poisoned Passover cake." "I'll talk with her," says the Rabbi. "Thank you." The next day the Rabbi calls, "I talked to your wife for three hours and I know exactly what you should do." "What's that?" "Eat the cake." Adolf Hitler asks his astrologer, "When will I die?" "On a Jewish Holiday." "Why a Jewish holiday?" "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday." Father Murphy hears a knock on the door at midnight. He gets up, opens the door, but doesn't see anyone. Then he looks down and sees two little leprechauns. "Good evening Father. I have a question for you." "Fine." "Do you have any leprechaun nuns in the parish?" asks a leprechaun. "No we don't." "How long have you, yourself been a priest?" "Forty years." "In that 40 year time span, have you yourself ever seen or heard of a leprechaun nun?" "No I haven't." One leprechaun turned to the other and says, "We'll just have to face it Clancy. We just fucked a couple of penguins." Adam was so lonely that he asked the Lord for a mate. The Lord said, "For the perfect companion, compatible in every way, it'll cost you an arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for a rib?" Many many more jokes inside