"It used to be that the pastor's wife was huge and the sanctuary was smokin' hot." So observes the Church Curmudgeon (@ChrchCurmudgeon), the Internet's most infamous purveyor of fine vintage Christian whines. With more than nine thousand tweets and ninety thousand followers (so far), he's proven himself a stalwart of holy hilarity for all the people who know "it ain't the way it used to be, I'll tell you that." This poetic collection of the Curmudgeon's best 140-character compositions will make you ROFL as you recognize the regular cast of churchy characters, including the worship leader, the usher team, and maybe even yourself. A few more from the book to whet your appetite: Q: How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb in the sanctuary? A: They can't. That would involve raising their hands in church. Jesus saved my soul. Peter's vision saved my bacon. He's so Methodist, he goes to Sprinklin' Donuts.