The First Snow

Have you ever wondered what a man thinks and what he feels-truly feels-when he is in the process of losing his wife to cancer and is her caregiver? Have you wondered how he feels after he loses his wife to cancer?

Nothing prepares him for the overwhelming feelings of loss, of being alone, of anger at God until that very moment is upon him. Yes, there are clinical descriptions of what to expect at the loss of a spouse, such as: You may have feelings of anger, at God or at your spouse for leaving you, feelings of loneliness, abandonment, guilt or despair. These feelings are normal. Is that all?

Yet there were no articles or descriptions of the depth of those emotions, the utter desolation of being alone after watching a spouse breathe her last breath, and how painful the loss really can be when it all sinks in, because men are supposed to suck it up, to be strong and move on.

This journal describes everything from the mundane day-to-day incidents, concerns, hopes, victories, doubts, and frustrations of being the primary caregiver for a dying wife, to the interactions between the author and his sons-his wife's two sons that he adopted and his oldest son from a previous marriage.

It also describes the utter desolation he felt and ultimately lived through after his wife of twenty-eight years took her last breath on the morning following winter's first snow of 2010 with only him at her side.